Problems with parent/player relations

[ian.curry]

Hi, just joined, if anyone can pass on their own opinions/ideas to me it would be great.
I've coached for 6 years now, and currently have a club team and a school team at similar age groups.
I appear to be having a problem develop between my assistant and his son who is my keeper, to the extent that the player wants to leave so that he isn't being coached by his dad - and in turn my assistant(his dad) also is to leave because of split allegiances.

Now I have never fought to keep any player ever, but losing both keeper and assistant will leave a big hole in this teams development.

I have three options that may or may not work:

1) I run the line and stay down that end of the pitch so that his dad can deal with other players and each gets their own independence

2) His dad is no longer part of the coaching setup or on matchdays and acts as a parent alone, but continues to play a major role fundraising

3) His dad plays no role

Any feedback??

Cheers

[Hamburger Hill]

Well as a parent/coach Ian I have to say this is the most difficult issue I have had to deal with too! And if it is any consolation lots of other coaches have had to address also...

My own kids often find it difficult to differentiate between Dad & Coach roles so I have set in place some 'rules' for myself which hopefully make it a bit easier...would any of these help Dad & son enjoy their footie more?

1) keep the build up to a game low key..as a coach I have a lot to think about in the build up to a game so I tend to get up and organised before the kids so I can prepare properly and in peace! (i also am lucky enough to have a partner who will bring the kids to the game separately sometimes which can help too

2) I have explained to my son that at training and during games I have to wear my "Coach" hat which means I will treat him no differently from any of the other boys. Usually straight after training I say as "Dad" I was really pleased with his efforts/performance and how well he did (even if he didn't!) and leave the "Coach" head off until next training/match.

3) I also made a rule that I wasn't going to use the journey home or time around my son as an opportunity to talk about "Coach" stuff (ie performance/tactics/other players/parents etc) and instead focus on him and his performance as any other dad would! If I want to unload mentally as a Coach I will take myself out of earshot and talk to fellow coaches or my wife so that he didn't hear any mixed messages!

I hope some of this stuff helps (my son is u9's but I think it's fiar to say that even older kids find it difficult to separate the roles!)

Best of luck and let us know how you get on!

[Val]

Have you talked with the dad about this?

The role of father is by far the more important of the two and good soccer coaches need their players to get reinforcement from their parents. In this case, the coaching role is overriding the father role. I would suggest that you tell the dad that it may be in son's best interests if he moved on to another coach, meaning either a team move, or perhaps finding someone who can specialize with the son as keeper.

I'm also a big believer of having kids rotate through lots of coaches, so it may be best for this boy to move to another team. At this age, player development is more important than team development, and you may have taught the boy everything you can and it's time for him to get to experience someone else. This can be hard for you, I know.

I'm doing the same with my girls. I currently have a U10 girls team, and half of them I've had for two seasons now. I know what I see in Sam and Hannah and Madison and Maddie and Mary, but now it is time for someone else to nurture them. At the end-of-season pizza party I will tell these 5 that next year I won't select them and they will have the chance to grow with someone else.

[ian.curry]

Cheers for the responses.
I actually went round last night before I got any replies and spoke with both individually, giving the three option I thought were appropriate. I also had to give the dad some home truths about certain aspects on a Sunday which was hard to do, it felt like punching him some more.
Fortunately both came to training tonight, apparently the young lad has been a different kid since I was there last night and will definitely be playing on Sunday. His dad didn't join in the session but still collected subs etc and will also be there on Sunday, albeit in a fairly more withdrawn role.

I appreciate what you say about letting them go elsewhere - but first and foremost I believe in building a team together, to go away on trips and such. His dad guarantees he won't be coaching elsewhere anyway - conflict of interest.

I can also agree with letting players go elsewhere but competition is high here and I believe I am constantly learning new things so am always challenging them with new things. Loyalty works both ways I feel.

Again, cheers